Demographics, Myths, Lies and the Real Truth
The paradoxical treatment of birth mothers is even more confusing than what adoptees experience. Adopted children are told that their mothers loved them so much they gave them away, selflessly, to be raised by someone else when they could not. This is sometimes true, although not always.
Birth mothers, however, receive much different messages. They are often told that they cannot possibly raise their child, or they are unworthy of the role. Consider this scenario: a young unmarried woman relinquishes her child due, in part or entirely, to these societal pressures. But what if in only a year or two after relinquishment she marries and begins a family. Isn’t it merely a trick of time and circumstance? What changed in terms of her ability to mother? To love and raise a child?
In one moment, she is worthless and unfit, then in the latter, celebrated as a “wonderful mom.” However, she is the same person. The line is drawn in the physical world—the house, the job, the financial stability that makes it less stressful to build a family. But these are not matters of the heart, yet the heart and soul are what is shamed.
Many birth mothers will say endlessly that if someone had supported them, just a little, they would have been able to keep their baby. Maybe that support can be physical, such as her partner or family rallying behind her, or emotional or financial help.
But once they have relinquished, they will hear from society and all around them that they were so brave and loving and noble for placing their child for adoption. They are also surrounded by the majority of women who say, “Oh, but I could never do that. Give away my newborn baby? Not me.” These contradictions cannot coexist, but they are the shoes that all birth parents are forced to wear.
Then they must watch all the world celebrate the adopting parents. There is joy and nothing but rainbows and sunshine for them.
These contradictions and myths deserve to be pulled into the light of day and seen clearly. It begs the question—who are modern birth parents?
Demographics
The average age of a woman who places a child for adoption is 26 (range 10 – 49). This is according to a survey completed in 2023 by the National Council For Adoption (NCFA). It was completed using both focus groups and a nationwide survey of 1,160 birth mothers and 239 birth fathers in the United States.[1]
Birth mothers are no longer teen-aged girls “in trouble.” The age statistic shows they are more mature adults who hold jobs and, while young, are out on their own living responsible lives.
From the NCFA poll respondents, the ethnicity of those birth parents are:
Mothers Fathers
- 70% White 40% White
- 12% Black 20% Black
- 5% Hispanic 18% Native American
- 5% Asian/Pacific Islander 12% Hispanic
- 4% Native American 7% Asian/Pacific Islander
- 4% Multiracial 3% Multiracial
These expectant parents are also educated. 83% of the mothers polled had an Associate degree or some college, with 20% of them having a Graduate degree. Fathers also are generally well educated, with 64% of them having some college attendance, 14% of whom also have a Graduate degree.[2]
When asked about their religious status, 20% of the women and 14% of the men say they have no formal affiliation, although clearly the majority have some faith background. Also, 43% of the men report having been members of the military at some point, (not defining when in relation to the pregnancy). Another interesting response is that 16% of the women and 31% of the men report struggling with some sort of mental or physical impairment or disability, according to standards set by the Americans with Disabilities Act.[3]
The organization Saving Our Sisters (SOS) supports all members of expectant families and provides information and education to expecting parents considering adoption. From their internal statistics when looking at where birth mothers are living at the time before relinquishment, 50% of the women are living in an apartment. 24% are living with family members, 9% are unhoused, and the balance are in some other temporary living situation.
What is more interesting is that nearly 25% of them are married, and 58% of them are already parenting one child.[4]
All of this combines to paint a picture that does not align with what many people think of when they hear the term “birth parent.” They are not “druggies,” nor criminals or derelicts. They are functional, blend into society, and most people will not recognize their circumstances. Yet, they are struggling for some support, otherwise they would not consider adoption. It is this fact that needs to be better understood and addressed.
Myths and Lies
Myth: Birth parents want to be hidden.
One of the biggest myths of modern adoption is that birth parents want confidentiality. That has rarely been true. There are instances where because a woman is afraid of an abusive partner, she wishes for an anonymous, closed adoption, but this is infrequent. Overall, less than five percent of adoptions today are closed. Most are open to some degree.[5]
The harsh truth is that keeping birth parents powerless and nameless ghosts is convenient. Even during the Baby Scoop Era when millions of young women were pushed into relinquishment, they were never promised confidentiality. Keeping these women sidelined was easier for case workers, adoption agencies, parents, and everyone managing the adoption system.
If one visits the Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) website, they declare this clearly for all to see.[6] They advocate for changing laws that deny adopted adults access to their original birth certificates. One important quote from their site states, “We often hear well-meaning people cite “protecting birth/first parent privacy” in opposition to restoring equality to adopted persons.We believe those people are confusing privacy with secrecy. Privacy refers to the ability to control information about oneself. Secrecy is the deliberate act of hiding something from others even if they have a legitimate reason to access it. Secrecy is literally what state policy keeps legalized by failing to restore rights to adult adopted persons. It is their birthright to know the truth.”
Renee: There are still so many things wrong with the adoption process of sealing birth certificates. I never knew my son’s birth certificate would be sealed. I never knew why they wouldn’t let his dad, who was sitting in the hospital room, be put on the birth certificate. Mind you, this is 2011.
I said, “He’s right there. Everybody knows who he is, why can’t he be put on the birth certificate?” Now I know it’s because they see a little way for that secret to be kept. In Florida, my son can’t get his birth certificate currently. He can’t get it whether he is eighteen or eighty. He must go to court.
First, he has to reunite with me. He needs to find me. Then, he has to get my permission. (His letter is already written for him, and I keep it in a file.) But then, he’s got to go to court, and a judge has to say, “Yes. This is okay for you to have.” Which is ridiculous.
If one doubts the sincerity that birth parents wish to have their “privacy” undone, one need look no further for evidence than the numbers who join adoptee voices to lobby states to open access to their original birth certificates. The number of men and women who are advocating for that speaks volumes. Some recent examples are:
- Connecticut Bill 6105 passed the state House in 2021, in part due to the Catholic Mothers for Truth and Transparency, CUB, and dozens of other support groups. In an article from the CT Mirror, “While we did not feel we had other options, we knowingly signed those papers. Most of us have never seen them. Our understanding, though, was that we were giving up all rights to our child. We did not know then, nor do we believe now, that we retained any kind of control over our sons’ and daughters’ right to get their original birth certificate as adults.” It goes on to say, “…House Bill 6105…is exactly the kind of legacy the Connecticut General Assembly should leave on our collective consciousness as a nation reckoning with its history of shaming women into the shadows of silence and secrecy. It starts with acknowledging truth and it ends with being on the right side of history. We promise.”[7]
- Bill 2006 in Texas is a current issue that has been submitted for passage annually, since 2015. Each year, hundreds lobby the state but, so far, in vain. In 2017, birth mother Ann Bingham testified in her statement to unseal birth certificates, “Some argue that this bill violates birth mother privacy. Far from it.I did not have a voice, and I did not have a choice in my adoption,” she said. “Even those of us who have not lived in secrecy prefer private direct contact to the public exposure that is currently happening with DNA testing and social media. This bill protects our privacy by making our wishes clear and simultaneously gives adult adoptees access to essential medical and identity information.”[8]
Myth: Birth parents forget what happened and move on with their lives.
Another lie is that these parents go on to forget the child they have placed for adoption. A multitude of studies have shown that to be absurdly false for both birth fathers and mothers. They never forget their child. In fact, they are permanently scarred and pay a high emotional, physical, and psychological price. It is important to understand that both men and women will say “my son” or “my daughter” when speaking of the children they have relinquished. They are parents forever.
One survey conducted in 1984 cited that ninety six percent (96%) of a sample of 334 birth parents responded that they had considered searching for their relinquished child, and sixty five percent (65%) of them had initiated a search.[9] Birth parents grieve for their child for extremely long times. One study in 2007 showed birth mothers who were twelve to twenty years post placement still experienced feelings of grief and loss.[10]
Jennifer: No one prepared me for the postpartum physical experience, for the milk to come in, for the bleeding. I don’t know if that is a typical experience of a woman having a child, but I had no clue. That was almost trauma in and of itself because I didn’t have my child to make it okay—to make it worth it.
When a mother breastfeeds, both the baby and mother’s brain dumps dopamine. That’s just how we’re wired as human beings. I didn’t have that.
I remember the first night home without her, [my daughter]. Grief hit me, and it just felt like she died.
Renee: There was very little support afterwards. I had a few counseling sessions. I had one counseling session prior to the adoption, it was one forty-five-minute session with a lady who had placed a child for adoption. She pretty much told me that I knew exactly why I was doing, what I was, and that I was a cognitive realist. It was really something. Of course, her door was right next to the adoption agency door in the office building, so a bit of a relationship there but it was really, really tough going through all of that.
The immediate effects after that were the old me died. I say that all the time. I sat on my living room floor just dying, making these screams and sounds I’d never heard myself make. It was bad. It was a very, very dark time. I didn’t parent. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I wasn’t doing anything but just dying.
Myth: Birth parents never wanted to keep their baby.
The final myth that needs to go by the wayside is the idea that these birth mothers never wanted to parent in the first place. While clearly unplanned, most of them feel bonded, quickly, with their newfound pregnancy. They want to mother. They also constantly worry about their ability to provide the best possible life for their child.
Interviews and studies all show a consistent story. The reason why an expectant couple, or woman, decides to place their baby for adoption is because they don’t feel they can give their child the life it deserves. How that looks to each of these people is different, but the theme is similar. Adoption was the last option when all other avenues had been exhausted.
[1] Birth parent research. National Council For Adoption. (2023, July 20). https://adoptioncouncil.org/pdfviewer/birth-parent-research/?auto_viewer=true#page=&zoom=auto&pagemode=none
[2] Birth parent research. National Council For Adoption. (2023, July 20). https://adoptioncouncil.org/pdfviewer/birth-parent-research/?auto_viewer=true#page=&zoom=auto&pagemode=none
[3] Birth parent research. National Council For Adoption. (2023, July 20). https://adoptioncouncil.org/pdfviewer/birth-parent-research/?auto_viewer=true#page=&zoom=auto&pagemode=none
[5] 6 open adoption facts that will surprise you. Adoption.com. (n.d.). https://adoption.com/6-open-adoption-facts-will-surpriseyou/
[6] https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/adoptee-rights
[7] Eileen Woebse McQuade and Karen Galarneau Quesnel. (2022, March 5). Opinion: Catholic birthmothers to legislators: Help us heal. CT Mirror. https://ctmirror.org/2021/05/12/catholic-birthmothers-to-legislators-help-us-heal/
[8] The long fight for adoptees to gain access to their original birth certificates in Texas. Texas Standard. (2023, September 6). https://www.texasstandard.org/stories/texas-adoptee-original-birth-certificates-donna-campbell/
[9] American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa PsycNet. American Psychological Association. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-42267-008?doi=1
[10] Impact of adoption on birth parents: Responding to the adoptive placement. Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents: Responding to the Adoptive Placement – [[:Template:Adoption Wiki]]. (n.d.). https://adoption.com/wiki/Impact_of_Adoption_on_Birth_Parents:_Responding_to_the_Adoptive_Placement
