by Guest Post | Apr 10, 2023 | Adoptee Stories
This is a guest post, written by Dirk Uphoff
Back in the Summer of 1968, my family and I went on vacation to visit my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins. This was not our typical Summer vacation of fishing up North. This particular summer vacation, we drove the entire way from Central Illinois to Nashville, Tennessee.
I was eight years old then, and my older brother was getting ready to turn thirteen. I remember thinking my brother would become a teenager, which for me was such a cool thing!
My parents told me we would be driving through Kentucky, so I made them promise that we would eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken. I was certain I would get a chance to meet Colonel Sanders. Wow, I was so excited!
But of all the things I was looking forward to, nothing compared to the fact that once we arrived at my Uncle’s, we were going to have dinner at the Country Club!
To be honest, I wasn’t sure what that meant, but my brother said it was going to be really good and really fancy. So I was beside myself with anticipation. This would prove to be the best vacation ever!
During our drive South, I remember talking incessantly about the Country Club. I’m sure I was driving my parents up the wall and probably got my little sisters talking about it too. Once we finally arrived, I remember telling my Aunt how excited I was about going to the “Country Club.”
After spending a day or so at my uncle’s house having fun with my cousins, I remember my aunt started to talk about her famous blueberry pancakes. I liked pancakes, but I had never heard of blueberry pancakes! Every time our paths crossed, she reminded me of those blueberry pancakes.
I will never forget what happened. On the day we were going to the Country Club, my Aunt said she had a surprise for me. With bated breath, I looked up at her as she told me we weren’t going to that “busy” Country Club. We were going to stay there and have blueberry pancakes instead!
I tried to hide my disappointment, but doubt I did a good job of it. I remember looking at my Mom and seeing a combination of anger and sadness on her face, yet covered up by a weak smile.
You may have guessed by now that I’m a transracial adoptee. My first Mom was White, and my first Dad was Black. We know what that makes me in 1968 Nashville.
We never saw much of my Aunt and Uncle from Nashville after that. I didn’t know why then. I do now.
by Guest Post | Dec 6, 2022 | Resources & Guides
(Shared with permission from Dr. Joe Soll, Psychotherapist, Author and founder of the Adoption Counseling Center in New York, NY)
If one wants to learn how to fly a plane, one takes flying lessons. Ground school first, then flying with an instructor, then when one has enough knowledge to handle anything that happens, one can solo.
If one just hops in a plane, without doing the work, one is likely to crash and burn. One might do well, but the odds are against it.
Preparation for reunion is like taking flying lessons. Ground school involves reading adoption-related literature. Going to groups, counseling, chat rooms, and talking to other adoptees and moms is your flight time.
If you just jump in without the prep, you might do ok, but the odds are you will sabotage your reunion.
Reunions cannot and do not fix our pain. Reunions always bring up the pain of our losses which is normal and necessary. The better the reunion, the deeper the pain. The pain of our losses, the pain of what we missed.
One must walk through this pain to heal. The rewards of doing this prep work are beyond compare.
From those who have prepared, I have never ever heard, “I wish I had not done this.” From those who have not prepared, I often hear, “I wish I had gotten ready before I searched.” From those who prepared, what I usually hear is, “Thank God I was ready!” I pray you prepare!.
“The adult adoptee must walk through the fear which he/she experiences in a search. If he/she does not walk through it, he/she never overcomes it
Those who do not make contact themselves are never released from this fear.” – Jean Paton. The first adoptee to search, start a group, and write a book about it. The mother of the Adoption Search movement.
You have read and understood “The Girls Who Went Away” by Ann Fessler.
You have talked to other moms and adoptees.
You have read and understood “Primal Wound” by Nancy Newton Verrier.
It’s not necessary, but it would help if you:
- Have read, and understood “Adoption Healing… a path to recovery (for Adoptees)” and done all the exercises.
- Have read, and understood “Adoption Healing… a path to recovery (for Adoptees)” and done all the exercises.
- Have read, and understood “Adoption Healing… a path to recovery (for Moms)” and done all the exercises.
- Have read, and understood “Adoption Healing… Supplement and done all the exercises.
- Have read, and understood “Adoption Healing… Articles, etc.” and done all the exercises.
- Participate often in our nightly chat.
You are journaling and channeling your anger daily.
You are talking to your Inner Child daily.
You have done the lovability affirmations, and your inner child has told you that she/he is and always was lovable.
Your inner child has told you about her/his rage at mommy for not being kept.
You have convinced your inner child that Mommy had no choice, that it was not her fault and that it’s not fair to be angry at her.
You and your inner child know you cannot get rejected when you make contact.
You are in the process of grieving the loss of your mom and the relationship you might have had with her as much as possible.
You understand that you have an obligation to continue a relationship with your mom if she wishes to do so.
You have read and understood the Reunion Guidelines
You have read and understood the Language of Adoption
You have written down all the possibilities that you may find and know that no matter what you find, you will be ok.
You have let yourself experience the feelings that would exist for each possibility above
You have read about genetic attraction and know to be on guard for those feelings so as to not get into a bad situation.
You know that reunions do not fix anything.
